You Can’t Escape

All or nothing. Blindly determined. Willingly overlooked.

Hello there. I’m a fifteen year old who characterizes herself with the three aforementioned phrases. A large part of my personality is my constant refusal to have just a piece of the pie. Every morning when I step out on the track, I will frown for a good thirty seconds if it turns out that people are already on it. Why? Because an irrepressible voice whispers within me that it’s my track and I should the first and only person running on it.

As a result of having an all or nothing personality, I am extremely determined. If it takes waking up at 5 a.m. every morning to beat the traffic and get to the track early, I’ll do it. While I do see myself as determined, I acknowledge that I can be blindly determined. Take my current situation in Pre-Calculus: despite studying incredibly hard for the class, I have yet to see an A on a test. I have cried over this class and have lain awake many sleepless nights pondering the very possible future that I possess selling ratchet weaves in the back of a musty alley (God forbid). A trusted teacher of mine told me that if you put your utmost effort into a class and get the same grade you would if you hadn’t studied and just paid attention in class, it’s better not to study. I remember smiling and thinking to myself, “Yeah, that’s a smart philosophy”; and yet, here I am, at this very moment, with my Pre-Calculus book lying open on my desk, anticipating the frantic turning of its pages in my effort to study for the retake of the test I didn’t do too well on. I am determined to get a good grade and not have a future in shady dealings behind a building downtown, thus, I continue to study and care so much even after witnessing how pointless it is. 

For a long time, I believed that no one wanted to hear my opinion on anything or acknowledge that I was there (I know this sounds ridiculously clichè, but bear with me). I think that because I believed this, it became my reality; I became extremely introverted and it was a rarity to hear me give my take on anything. I practically gave people my consent to ignore me.

So what does all of this have to do with why I write? I write to counteract these three aspects of my personality. I have always disliked sharing; the whole process of writing forces me to share ideas with my readers and peers. My Pre-Calculus example shows my struggle of putting in an immense amount of work into a subject, uncertain as to whether I’ll get a good grade or not. It is said that writing is an extension of oneself, and if so, my writing is my perspective on some aspect of the world. I know that the great effort I put into writing will produce noteworthy results because it is a reflection of me. Finally, as selfish as it sounds, writing is a chance to call out to people and tell them to pay attention to me, to care about what I have to say instead of being a docile girl who lets everyone else do the talking and never seems to have anything to say.

When it comes to writing- expressing myself through worded art, I have realized that as hard as it may be for me to reveal who I am in the process, there is nowhere to run (<the name of my blog!). You can try as hard as possible to avoid yourself, but in the end, you can’t escape who you are.


-Angel

* I realize that why I write (to contradict various aspects of my personality) is at odds with what writing is said to be (a portrayal of personality). And I’m fine with that.

2 comments

  1. nupursavani · October 25, 2015

    Hey Angel 🙂
    I have to admit I did smile while reading this. I could actually imagine you talking to me (possibly because I have had conversations with you) but I love that your personality came out through the words. The first few words were very effective and drew me in to read more. But the “hello there” broke that energy from the first line. Those three words are very bold and I find it really cool that the action of proclaiming yourself as those three things makes you so bold in itself. For the “clichè” part, sometimes you’ll find that clichè is relate able and it’s also the truth.
    Your ending is so strong and deep. An ending is meant to keep the reader thinking and pondering and that is exactly what it did. And I think you did a really good job of not running away from yourself.

    Like

  2. Karith Magnuson · November 16, 2015

    Angel, I love this. Your writing is precise and clear and alive with energy. It’s vulnerable and real — and grounded in specifics — and, thus, infinitely relateable, engaging, and challenging. Can’t wait to read more. =)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s