All or nothing. Blindly determined. Willingly overlooked.
Hello there. I’m a fifteen year old who characterizes herself with the three aforementioned phrases. A large part of my personality is my constant refusal to have just a piece of the pie. Every morning when I step out on the track, I will frown for a good thirty seconds if it turns out that people are already on it. Why? Because an irrepressible voice whispers within me that it’s my track and I should the first and only person running on it.
As a result of having an all or nothing personality, I am extremely determined. If it takes waking up at 5 a.m. every morning to beat the traffic and get to the track early, I’ll do it. While I do see myself as determined, I acknowledge that I can be blindly determined. Take my current situation in Pre-Calculus: despite studying incredibly hard for the class, I have yet to see an A on a test. I have cried over this class and have lain awake many sleepless nights pondering the very possible future that I possess selling ratchet weaves in the back of a musty alley (God forbid). A trusted teacher of mine told me that if you put your utmost effort into a class and get the same grade you would if you hadn’t studied and just paid attention in class, it’s better not to study. I remember smiling and thinking to myself, “Yeah, that’s a smart philosophy”; and yet, here I am, at this very moment, with my Pre-Calculus book lying open on my desk, anticipating the frantic turning of its pages in my effort to study for the retake of the test I didn’t do too well on. I am determined to get a good grade and not have a future in shady dealings behind a building downtown, thus, I continue to study and care so much even after witnessing how pointless it is.
For a long time, I believed that no one wanted to hear my opinion on anything or acknowledge that I was there (I know this sounds ridiculously clichè, but bear with me). I think that because I believed this, it became my reality; I became extremely introverted and it was a rarity to hear me give my take on anything. I practically gave people my consent to ignore me.
So what does all of this have to do with why I write? I write to counteract these three aspects of my personality. I have always disliked sharing; the whole process of writing forces me to share ideas with my readers and peers. My Pre-Calculus example shows my struggle of putting in an immense amount of work into a subject, uncertain as to whether I’ll get a good grade or not. It is said that writing is an extension of oneself, and if so, my writing is my perspective on some aspect of the world. I know that the great effort I put into writing will produce noteworthy results because it is a reflection of me. Finally, as selfish as it sounds, writing is a chance to call out to people and tell them to pay attention to me, to care about what I have to say instead of being a docile girl who lets everyone else do the talking and never seems to have anything to say.
When it comes to writing- expressing myself through worded art, I have realized that as hard as it may be for me to reveal who I am in the process, there is nowhere to run (<the name of my blog!). You can try as hard as possible to avoid yourself, but in the end, you can’t escape who you are.
* I realize that why I write (to contradict various aspects of my personality) is at odds with what writing is said to be (a portrayal of personality). And I’m fine with that.